Smells like Rain

You'd think that with all the spare time I have without a job, I'd get more done.



The time's there, sort of, the drive and will's just lacking. A large part of it is from how I feel mentally. I could say I'm over being laid off, but worry over bills and money stresses me out, and that all relates back to loosing my job. My mental well-being is also being hit by my physical illwell-being. Even when I do feel motivated and ready to go, my body feels so tired and weak. Months ago I put it off on being depressed. Now? I'm not even sure.



When I do get work done, there's just so much more to do that it seems like nothing is ever done. I need a break. A vacation. Too bad I can't afford it. I'd probably spend the whole time stressed out over all the work waiting for me back at home. If I do find a job I worry I won't physically be able to keep up. Then again, if this is all just stress and worry over loosing my job, that may be a strong enough bump up in my mood.



I'm attempting to take small steps in hopes of improving how I feel. The first steps:

Go to bed earlier.
The ironing is delicious if you consider the fact that it's almost 4:30am as I type this sentence, and I've yet to go to bed. I was on my way until Aaliyah woke up and I had to sit with her until she went back to sleep. I found myself even more awake. As I was saying, sleeping earlier allows me to get more sleep without feeling guilty (waking at 8am instead of 2pm!) and stops me from cutting back on sleep (3 hours) just to get up at a decent time. As a bonus, the day will feel longer so I won't feel rushed to do things.

Work on the little things.
Usually I like to get the bigger, longer things out of the way so the smaller things will look even smaller. With the lack of motivation and focus I have combined with the OMG NOTHING WILL EVER BE DONE WHY DO I TRY OMG OMG BAWWWW! notion in my head, getting ANY. THING. done is a big relief. I can then work on the larger tasks (job searching, designs related to Noel's music, fixing my car, revamping my sites, etc) without being distracted by a bunch of smaller things (dishes, organizing my paperwork, etc).

Take vitamins.
There are a number of things that could be beating up my health (anemia is a possibility). Until I can get to the doctor, vitamins could never hurt. I may start sleeping better! I also started using Jamaican Black Castor Oil on my scalp. It's said to work wonders for people suffering hair loss or people who just want thicker hair.

Blog more, even if it's negative.
I used to do this all. the. time. A "break" for me was blogging only twice in one week, not once a month. Lack of motivation aside, most of the time I put it off because I hate to come back with a depressing post. I used to blog and not care. The blog was for me to get out my thoughts and emotions, negative or happy-smile-yay. That's why I had no problem reading my older entries as of now, and why now I don't feel so into it. As much as I hate being down and depressing on my blog, it does seem to take some of that feeling away from me.

Be grateful for things that are going right.
I may be upset that I don't have health insurance, but knowing that Aaliyah does and is healthy and happy is a relief. I may have had issues with unemployment and the five weeks I was without income, but that's fixed and I should be able to get by until I find a job. It's finally making me build and stick to a budget spreadsheet. I'm without a job; however, I should take advantage of this time to get done all the things I complained about not doing while I was working. Plus, it's a big reason to better myself for (hopefully) an even better job. Helping Noel with promoting his album is a bit stressful at times, yet it's helping me find motivation to work, and he's promoting me at the same time. I could go on, it's just that I think I could go to bed and actually sleep right now.