Smells like Rain

Hm. I was going to blog yesterday. About how quick toddlers are to pick things up, things so insignificant to yourself that you don't pay much attention to until they're mocking you. Actually, I'm still doing that, but now I'm blogging about new material Aaliyah gave me last night.

She locked me out the apartment. And she didn't know how to unlock it (it's a deadbolt) or even understand what she did. The thing is, I had no idea she even knew how to lock it. She watches me do it ALL the time, it's the first thing I do when I get in. She can't even open the door since she doesn't know to turn the knob more. She must have stood on the couch and reached over, the same way she reaches the light switch. Just a week ago we were having trouble locking the door because that deadbolt wouldn't turn all the way. And the one time she tries it is when I go outside for less than a minute (to grab the mail)!

I don't know if she tried to unlock it. It's harder to turn the opposite way, and I'd imagine she wouldn't know to do so anyway. I heard her on the other side saying, "Mama, come in! Mama!" as I knocked and called her name. At least she was trying to open the door. She wasn't scared at all, she thought it was a game. She always closes the other doors inside the apartment and knocks for me to say, "Come in!". I heard her running around and giggling while I tried not to freak out. I spent what felt like at least 10 minutes looking for someone to borrow a phone from. One neighbor hasn't been home in months (he's in the military) and the other two I know weren't home.

I considered the window.

For a split second, I live on the second floor.

Eventually one couple came home. At first the guy tried opening it and then the lady showed me where the manager lives (she wasn't home). Blah. I ended up calling my mom, even though she lives at about 15 minutes away. When I was able to get in she was sleep on the couch. Must be nice.

I never thought to take the apartment key with me for such a quick run (less than a minute), but now I know. Aaliyah half way knows how to turn a deadbolt lock.

I like how at 6:30am I'm up blogging about me still not able to sleep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I switched to another temporary skin that came with B2evolution. It's not something I used to do, but I need a skin and don't have time to create one. Using an old one is out of the question since I need to revamp everything. This will have to do for now.



I got up early yesterday. I was at my mom and dad's house the night before, and Aaliyah was knocked out after a day of playing. My mom didn't have to work until later in the morning, so she asked to keep her over. They enjoyed having her, and that's where she is now. After getting up I walked to the closer grocery store to grab a few things. After that I couldn't help it. I made the mistake of taking a nap a few hours later. Aaliyah did too, I'm hoping she slept for them.



Well, that's why I'm up right now. And I know I won't sleep tonight, it's the True Blood season finale. I'll be up late trying to catch that. It's too bad I have to be up early Monday morning. I have to turn my car in. Again. Again again. Oh, and again.


My car is now overdue for a smog! My previous car problem was a dead battery. Noel borrowed the car for a quick trip and accidentally left the lights on. I didn't find out until the next morning. The next morning when Aaliyah and I got up early and went to the car. When we went to the car so we could head to her doctor's appointment. The reason Noel used my car is because his was at his dad's house, so Little LeeLee and I were stuck. Luckily Noel's dad had time before work, so he dropped us off and picked us up. Two failed jumps later, my dad ended up charging the battery for me , and things were fine.


Until it was smog time. My engine light popped on during my trip to the smog station. Nice. Everything passed! Well, except the check engine light, so the whole thing failed. I was told it was something small and nothing to worry about. Their solution was to turn off the light and tell me to drive it. If the light remained off, they would smog it again. My mom helped me out and paid the $45 for their service.


I dropped my brother's off at their friend's house since it was on the way. I stopped by Noel's, a few miles away, since it was on the way home. Then I went home. It came back on a day or two later, before I could even turn off the street I live on. In fact, I was still in front of my apartment complex when that light started to glow!


Dropped the car off again between 8am and 9am. I was assured I would receive a call in about thirty minutes with their test results. Around 1pm I called them to check on my car. The guy who answered said there was a leak they were searching for. Around 4pm I picked the car up. Drive it around and return for a smog. Between now and the last time I picked up the car, I've been down the street and back. I was headed to the other side of town, thinking it was the perfect time to get in those required miles to test my car. I got a few miles up the street before the light came back on.


I would have taken the car in yesterday, but they were only open four hours. Based on their track record my car wouldn't have been done and they're closed today. I have no idea what the hell they're going to say tomorrow, but I'm pretty pissed off. My tags are paid for but incomplete without the required smog passing.


Let's see:

Go to bed earlier. No.

Work on the little things. No. I thought getting my car smogged would be a little thing to worry about.

Blog more, even if it's negative. Well, this blog sure counts.

Be grateful for things that are going right. I'm trying, believe me I'm trying. ...But, no.

Try not to stress out as much. LOL, no.

Wow. I'm failing harder than my car!


Eh. I'm off to take a nap. Or at least try to.

Since one of my goals for self-improvement is to focus more on what's going right instead of what's going wrong, I've been considering all of the plans I previously had for around this time, granted I was still working. Pretending I was never laid off and kept with the plans I made earlier this year/last year I: would have a savings account towards getting a house, be in a bigger place for a better price (until I could afford a house), hopefully driving a different car, and going back to school.

The only goal I can say I kept was working less. > Around the time I found out about the layoff, Noel was just a few months from finishing his last semester (music school). We were hoping after that he would have a job and I would be able to cut back my hours (just a little!) at work by this fall, and just during times for school. After the bad news I ended up trying to get in as much work as possible to make up for the time I would be without a job. I would still like to find a way to keep a few of these goals. In the spirit of being happy for what I still have instead of what I don't, here's my new plans.

Open A Savings Account To Save Up For A House
I was going to deposit this year's tax return there. Then my car needed repairs. Okay, I just decided to put the rest in. Then I was laid off and used that money to make up for what unemployment doesn't pay for. There's really not much I can do about this one besides find a job. That's not working out very well for me. I'm actually okay with hold off on this goal until the time is right. As long as that desire to look at houses stays away.

Be In A Bigger Place For A Better Price At the time I found several listings for places with at least one more bedroom than I currently have, just for a little more or about what I pay now. I like my current place, it's just too small. This is another item I wanted to use my tax return towards. Obviously that's not happening for quite a while now.

Since my last post I took time out to take my mind off of things depressing me. I found enough strength to start some major cleaning! Between washing the windows, taking my computer apart, pushing the couches around, and not daring move the tv stand; I ended up rearranging my living room. Not by much, the bigger things are still in place or just slightly pushed over. The little things I did move made a big difference and things look cleaner. Plus a few swaps of furniture and it does feel like a new place. Sorta. There's really not much I can do in the bedroom with the lack of space, but I'll get around to it.

Go Back To School. You'd think with all the time I have this wouldn't be a big issue. Here, unemployment is very picky about school. They encourage approved job training and the like; however, reasonably they do not want you doing anything that interferes with how often you'd be available for work. Some people said they've been able to attend school if they could prove it would help them get a job and make it clear that they would quit to take an available job. A few have stated they don't mind if you're taking night classes. My plan was always to finish up with online classes so I could have more time to work, and later take the campus only classes. I think I can still go through with this agenda. School started last month; but, online classes are done in several sessions (one semester thrown at you in 9 weeks!). The next starts mid-October. I plan to call the Unemployment Office tomorrow and make sure I make all the correct steps in order to limit the chance there will be a problem. This will definitely help with finding a job. The bases nearby are more likely to hire a student without experience than a person just without experience. Then I need to go through the school to sign up. While I already finished a year there, I'm not too sure if I'll stick to Computer Science.

I'm not sure how I'll pay for it this close to class time, so that's on my list of things to research. So far I've only been compensated for one check UE owes me for the period my claim was put on hold. I'm trying to catch up on that, and it doesn't help that I'm in the middle of dealing with my car (again) so it can pass smog.


Have A Newer Car
My car's not bad. There are things I would like changed that I can live with and somewhat work with. It's just these stupid repairs that get to me. My plan was never to buy a brand new car, just any car that was better than mine. My plan? Um... Eh, er... Hope that with all the repairs thrown at it results in it feeling new? I... *runs*

You'd think that with all the spare time I have without a job, I'd get more done.



The time's there, sort of, the drive and will's just lacking. A large part of it is from how I feel mentally. I could say I'm over being laid off, but worry over bills and money stresses me out, and that all relates back to loosing my job. My mental well-being is also being hit by my physical illwell-being. Even when I do feel motivated and ready to go, my body feels so tired and weak. Months ago I put it off on being depressed. Now? I'm not even sure.



When I do get work done, there's just so much more to do that it seems like nothing is ever done. I need a break. A vacation. Too bad I can't afford it. I'd probably spend the whole time stressed out over all the work waiting for me back at home. If I do find a job I worry I won't physically be able to keep up. Then again, if this is all just stress and worry over loosing my job, that may be a strong enough bump up in my mood.



I'm attempting to take small steps in hopes of improving how I feel. The first steps:

Go to bed earlier.
The ironing is delicious if you consider the fact that it's almost 4:30am as I type this sentence, and I've yet to go to bed. I was on my way until Aaliyah woke up and I had to sit with her until she went back to sleep. I found myself even more awake. As I was saying, sleeping earlier allows me to get more sleep without feeling guilty (waking at 8am instead of 2pm!) and stops me from cutting back on sleep (3 hours) just to get up at a decent time. As a bonus, the day will feel longer so I won't feel rushed to do things.

Work on the little things.
Usually I like to get the bigger, longer things out of the way so the smaller things will look even smaller. With the lack of motivation and focus I have combined with the OMG NOTHING WILL EVER BE DONE WHY DO I TRY OMG OMG BAWWWW! notion in my head, getting ANY. THING. done is a big relief. I can then work on the larger tasks (job searching, designs related to Noel's music, fixing my car, revamping my sites, etc) without being distracted by a bunch of smaller things (dishes, organizing my paperwork, etc).

Take vitamins.
There are a number of things that could be beating up my health (anemia is a possibility). Until I can get to the doctor, vitamins could never hurt. I may start sleeping better! I also started using Jamaican Black Castor Oil on my scalp. It's said to work wonders for people suffering hair loss or people who just want thicker hair.

Blog more, even if it's negative.
I used to do this all. the. time. A "break" for me was blogging only twice in one week, not once a month. Lack of motivation aside, most of the time I put it off because I hate to come back with a depressing post. I used to blog and not care. The blog was for me to get out my thoughts and emotions, negative or happy-smile-yay. That's why I had no problem reading my older entries as of now, and why now I don't feel so into it. As much as I hate being down and depressing on my blog, it does seem to take some of that feeling away from me.

Be grateful for things that are going right.
I may be upset that I don't have health insurance, but knowing that Aaliyah does and is healthy and happy is a relief. I may have had issues with unemployment and the five weeks I was without income, but that's fixed and I should be able to get by until I find a job. It's finally making me build and stick to a budget spreadsheet. I'm without a job; however, I should take advantage of this time to get done all the things I complained about not doing while I was working. Plus, it's a big reason to better myself for (hopefully) an even better job. Helping Noel with promoting his album is a bit stressful at times, yet it's helping me find motivation to work, and he's promoting me at the same time. I could go on, it's just that I think I could go to bed and actually sleep right now.